The Worst of Christmas
Christmas is almost here, and I am making my lists and checking them twice.
Since I don’t have a drop of Grinch blood in my veins, I love the holiday season. I enjoy opening presents on Christmas morning, drinking gallons of egg nog, watching A Christmas Story and A Charlie em>Brown Christmas for the trillionth time, munching on gingerbread and peppermint sticks, and telling bawdy jokes about Rudolph and the reindeer games.
But occasionally, Christmastime revolts me so much that I feel like hurling snowballs at Santa Claus like a Philadelphia Eagles fan. In my somewhat humble opinion, here are the worst things of Christmas:
Worst Christmas gift: The Clapper.
Why would anybody in their right mind would want to clap just to turn on some lights is a complete mystery to me. As a gag gift, the Clapper isn’t as funny as Pet Rocks, Signing Bass clocks, and fart machines. It is proof that anyone in America can get rich by not underestimating the tastes of shoppers during the holiday season.
Worst Christmas food: Fruitcake.
Believe me, even a dessert freak like me retches whenever I have a crumb of fruitcake. Had Oliver Twist at his orphanage been offered fruitcake rather than gruel, he definitely wouldn’t ask for more.
Worst Christmas song (religious): “Angels We Have Heard on High.”
I cringe whenever I have to sing this song during Christmas church services. Those Glorias seem to drag on and on until Easter Sunday.
Worst Christmas song (secular): “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth.”
There are many bad songs played ad infinitum during the last month of year such as the Singing Dogs version of “Jingle Bells,” “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” “The Chipmunk Song,” and “Hooray for Santy Claus”. However, the song that instinctively makes me howl in agony is “All I Want Is My Two Front Teeth.” Not only is it moronic and annoying, I sort of feel sorry for the person lisping this song. I hope Santa will give him or her some dentures.
Worst Christmas movie: Silent Night, Deadly Night.
Even among slasher movies, which are hardly infomercials for the National Organization for Women, Silent Night, Deadly Night is especially misogynistic. The scene in which a woman is impaled on the head of a deer doesn’t conjure up images of peace on earth and goodwill to all. And unlike other holiday cinematic cheapos like Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Silent Night Deadly Night doesn’t have a moment of good campy fun. This is one film where the Santa slasher should have given everybody a merry Christmas by slashing the final print.
Worst Christmas TV commercials: Nearly all of them.
Except for the old Norelco ads from the 1960’s and 1970’s where Santa is riding on an electric shaver, holiday TV commercials are for the most point more annoying than aluminum Christmas trees. I don’t need to be reminded I have to shop until I plop during December.
Worst Christmas candy: Black licorice.
Not only does it make your teeth look hideous, black licorice looks, smells, and tastes like something off a road during a hot summer day. While candy is usually dandy, black licorice is worse than gibberish from Scrooge before he was visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future.
Worst Christmas plants: Poinsettias.
Although they look beautiful, poinsettias seem to die before January 1. Not a good start for the new year.
Worst Christmas guests: The crazy aunts and uncles you haven’t seen in eons, but they show up unannounced at the last minute on Christmas Day.
They will babble on and on about their trips to Bunkum Town and their adventures seeing the lions and tigers at the Cheap Roadside Zoo. And they’re the ones who give you Clappers for Christmas gifts.
Sorry, Andy Williams–Christmas isn’t always the most wonderful time of the year. Eating fruitcake, watching poinsettias die, and trying to have small talk with relatives who should be locked up in padded cells for eternity is enough to turn Santa, his elves and reindeer, and all of the good girls and boys across the world into the meanest of mean Grinches.
Joe’s Maybe Memorable Quote of the Day
I’m dreaming of a white Christmas until I have to shovel the sidewalks.