Last Post of the Year–The Annual Joeys
I created the Joeys in 2011 to present awards in categories not normally seen in the “best of” lists in newspapers and magazines. There are no monetary compensation, medals, or statues associated with the Joeys–just the pride of doing something memorable or stupid or just plain weird during the past twelve months.
And so, without further ado, here are the winners of the 2016 Joeys:
Once again, the past year was a banner year for dummkopfs. Here are the five biggest dummkopfs of dummkopfs of 2016
1. Hillary Clinton.
2. Donald Trump. In any other year, the Trumpster would had won this category hands down.
3. Ivanka Trump.
4. Kanye West.
5. Herman Cain.
Less-than-honorable mention: Bobby Jindal (the Louisiana governor fondly known as Kenneth the Page), Texas governor Rick Perry (and this guy might be Secretary of Energy during the Trump administration?), name your Kardashian, name your British royal family member, and me.
The ten worst sports teams of 2016 (Once an Expansion Team, Always Play Like an Expansion Team Division)
1. Cleveland Browns.
2. Jacksonville/Maybe London Jagoffs–er, Jaguars.
3. Brooklyn Nets.
4. Minnesota Timberpuffs–whoops, Timberwolves.
5. San Diego Padres.
6. Tampa Bay Rays.
7. Philadelphia Seventy-Suckers aka 76ers (yeah, I know the Suckers were one of the original NBA franchises, but year after year, they usually play about as well the 1962 New York Mets or the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers).
8. Arizona Diamondbacks (to be fair, the D-Backs did have that great season in 2001).
9. New Orleans Pelicans (formerly known as the Hornets).
10. Colorado Avalanche.
The ten worst sports teams of 2016 (Once Great Teams That Now Play Like Awful Horse Sheet Division)
1. San Francisco (Where Have You Gone, Joe Montana?) 49ers.
2. Chicago (Milquetoasts of the Midway) Bad News Bears (surprised to see the grownup rather than the little Windy City Bears made this division?).
3. Minnesota (From Homer Hankies to Terrible Twinkies) Twins.
4. Cincinnati (Busted Little Red Machine) Reds.
5. Philadelphia (Seventy-Suckers) 76ers (believe it or not, the Suckers were a great team when they had Dr. J. But now they suck so bad they more than deserve to be members of two worst sports teams divisions).
6. New York (Where Have You Gone, Broadway Joe Namath?) Jets.
7. Notre Dame’s (Failing Irish) football team.
8. Atlanta (Where Have You Gone, Joe Adcock and Chief Noc-a-Homa?) Braves.
9. Miami (No Heat After the Whore of Akron, LeBron James, Went Back to Cleveland) Heat.
10. Carolina (Didn’t This Team Play in the Super Bowl Earlier This Year?) Panthers.
The buzzwords of 2016
3. Electoral College.
4. Little Marco.
5. Pokémon Go.
7. E-mail gate.
12. Safe spaces.
The “whatever happened to” people of 2016
1. Soon to be ex-Vice President Joe Biden.
2. Former Speaker of the House John Boehner.
3. Current Speaker of the House Paul Ryan.
4. Bruce/Caitlin Jenner.
5. Failed presidential candidate Martin O’Malley.
6. Failed presidential candidate Jim Webb.
7. Failed presidential candidate Carly Fiorina.
8. Embattled Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis.
The most underachieving athletes and politicians of 2016
1. Any Democratic politician with the possible exception of Bernie Sanders (and even Sanders was a socialist until 2016, and he more or less disappeared after the primary season)
2. Jay Cutler and the Cutups (better known as the Chicago Bad News Bears).
3. Jeb Bush.
4. Tiger Woods.
5. Wisconsin governor Scott Walker.
6. Mixed martial arts slugger and wannabe diva Ronda Rousey (she got KOed in 48 seconds in her comeback fight).
Movie box office bombs in 2016 that were sequels and remakes
2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2.
4. Alice Through the Looking Glass.
5. Zoolander 2.
6. Bad Santa 2.
Has-been has-been celebrities who made news in 2016 by supporting Donald Trump
1. Scott (“Chachi”) Baio.
2. Susan (“Cindy Brady”) Olsen.
3. John (“Midnight Cowboy”) Voight.
4. Gary (“Buddy Holly”) Busey.
5. Dennis (“The Worm”) Rodman.
Signs in 2016 indicating the apocalypse may be near
1. Donald Trump won.
2. The Chicago Cubs won the World Series.
3. The moon was brighter last month than anytime since 1948 and next year, there will be a solar eclipse in North America.
4. A Cleveland team won a sports title for the first time since the heyday of Beatlemania.
5. My hometown of Louisville, Kentucky, finally built an east end bridge.
The ultimate riddle of 2016: What does an eagle, a king, a prince, a princess, a whammer, a spaceman, a space oddity, Mom Brady, Willy Wonka, Helen Keller, Grizzly Adams, Dr. Bombay, Thomas Jefferson, the White Shadow, the Unsinkable Molly Brown, the Greatest, a Cuban, and a Gabor sister have in common?
Answer: They were celebrities who passed away in 2016. For your information: the eagle is Glenn Frey, the king is Arnold Palmer, the prince is the Artist Sometimes Known as Prince, the princess is Carrie Fisher, the whammer is George Michael (former lead singer of Wham!), the spaceman is John Glenn, the space oddity is David Bowie, Mom Brady is Florence Henderson, Willy Wonka is Gene Wilder, Helen Keller is Patty Duke, Grizzly Adams is Dan Haggerty, Dr. Bombay is Bernard Fox, Thomas Jefferson and the White Shadow were once played by Ken Howard, the Unsinkable Molly Brown is Debbie Reynolds, the Greatest is Muhammad Ali, the Cuban is Fidel Castro, and the Gabor sister is Zsa Zsa.
And finally, Man of the Year. And for once, Time magazine gets it right
Donald Trump. Like millions of people, I never thought the Donald had a chance in Pluto to win an election for county sanitation engineer, let alone the presidency of the United States. But in three weeks, he will be the Commander-in-Chief, the Leader of the Free World, the Biggest Kahuna, and the Mouth That Can’t Shut Up. And all I can do is hope we will not be fired in more ways than one.
Joe’s Maybe Memorable Quote of the Day
Midnight on New Year’s Eve is when the end ends and the beginning begins.