Last Post of the Year–The Annual Joeys
I created the Joeys in 2011 to present awards in categories not normally seen in the “best of” lists in newspapers and magazines. There are no monetary compensation, medals, or statues associated with the Joeys–just the pride of doing something memorable or stupid or just plain weird during the past twelve months.
And so, without further ado, here are the winners of the 2018 Joeys:
Unquestionably, 2018 was another stupendous year for dummkopfs. But there was one dummkopf who outshone and outshone again the other mental little people (midget is now a politically incorrect word). You know who he is. He is the guy who has a bad hairdo, bombastic tweets, and occupies the highest office in the land. He can’t even speak to the Boy Scouts or a group of Native American World War II heroes without creating a national furor. And so, the winner of the annual Dummkopf of Dummkopfs is:
President Donald Trump. Even though you may not be a Nobel laureate or 2018 Time’s Person of the Year, at least you accomplished winning this honor for another year in a row.
Runner-up Dummkopfs of the Year
1. Roseanne Barr.
2. “Papa John” Schnatter.
3. Any member of the Trump family.
4. Any member of the Kardashian family.
5. Kayne West.
6. John Travolta (his movie Gotti should had slept with the fishes).
7. Senator Mitch McConnell.
8. Former Cardinal Donald Wuerl.
9. Kevin Hart (the comedian who got fired from the upcoming Oscars show for making homophobic tweets).
The “whatever happened to” people of 2018
1. Milo Yiannopoulus.
2. Dr. Ben Carson.
3. Garrison Keillor.
4. Steve Bannon.
5. Former Today Show host Matt Lauer.
6. Ultimate fighter Conor McGregor.
7. Vice-president Mike Pence..
8. The U.S. soccer team (if you can’t beat Trinidad-Tobago, you don’t belong in the World Cup or even the Specimen Cup).
9. Former senator Al “Hands On” Franken.
10. Former Indiana University basketball coach Tom Crean.
The “Young and Certainly Restless” politicians and political activists of 2018
1. Alexandria Octavio-Cortez.
2. David Hogg.
3. Emma Gonzalez.
4. Beto O’Rourke (he’s not that young but he looks like a young Kennedy and skateboards like a Millennial).
Things that were definitely “not” in 2018
1. Canned tuna.
3. The Weekly Standard.
4. Toys R Us (never was a Toys R Us kid but hated to see it go in 2018).
6. K mart.
7. Carson Pirie Scott (one of the great department stores of my youth that couldn’t avoid the Retail Apocalypse).
8. California Republicans (holy Tricky Dick Nixon, the Republicans even got shellacked in Orange County).
The worst sports teams of 2018 (You Play Like Expletive Deleted Division)
1. Earlham College Quakers. After 53 straight losses in football, Earlham College suspended the team for the 2019 season. Somehow, I can’t foresee a team named for a pacifistic religious denomination ever succeeding on the gridiron. Maybe the Quakers should take up a sport like croquet, shuffleboard, or Naked Twister.
2. Arizona (formerly the St. Louis and Chicago) Cardinals or, more accurately, Cardinal Sins.
3. University of Louisville’s football team (as a person who lives in U of L country, the athletic teams should now be known as the Collegiate Cardinal Sins, especially what happened to the basketball team last year).
4. Miami Marlins.
5. Atlanta Hawks.
6. Jacksonville Jagoffs–er, Jaguars (welcome back to mediocrity, Jacksonville).
7. San Diego Padres.
8. Detroit Football Pussycats Galore or Cowardly Lions.
9. Cincinnati Bungles–er, Bengals (as usual, a worst sports team list would not be complete without the Bungles).
10. Chicago Cubs in the National League playoffs. Despite having a great season, the Cubs played like the Flubs of old when the games really counted.
Dishonorable mention: New York Jets, Phoenix Coyotes, Chicago Brite Flops (White Sox), Detroit Baseball Pussycats Galore or Cowardly Tigers, and Washington Team with the Ultimate Politically Incorrect Nickname (Redskins).
The worst sports teams of 2018 (Once a Juggernaut, Now a Joke Division)
1. Post LeBron Cleveland Cavaliers (amazingly, the Browns are no longer the worst team in the Mistake by the Lake City).
2. Chicago Post Jordans, Bull Bleeps, or Bulls.
3. Oakland, Las Vegas, or maybe London for a Year Raiders.
4 Baltimore Orioles (where have you gone, Cal Ripken, Jim Palmer, Brooks and Frank Robinson, and even Moe Drabowsky?)
5. San Francisco 49ers.
6. San Francisco Giants.
7. Kansas City Royals.
8. New York Little Giants (where have you gone Frank Gifford, Phil Simms, Lawrence Taylor, Tiki Barber, and Charlie Conerly the Marlboro Man?)
9. New York Knicks (where have you gone, Walt Frazier, Bill Bradley, and Earl the Pearl Monroe?)
10. Cincinnati Busted for Decades Big Red Machine (Reds).
The “Holy miracle, Batman!” sports teams of 2018
1. Cleveland Browns (wonder of wonders, the Brownies won some games this year and almost made the NFL playoffs).
2. University of Maryland–Baltimore County’s Retrievers (yes, Retrievers).
3. Loyola University–Chicago Ramblers (loved seeing this team ramble to the Final Four).
4. Indianapolis Colts.
5. Chicago Bears.
The buzzwords of 2018
2. Blue Tsunami.
3. Government shutdown.
4. Border wall.
The 2018 Edition of Why Does Hollywood Recycle These Tired TV and Movie Remakes Rather Than Come Up With New Ideas?
1. Death Wish.
2. Holmes and Watson.
3. Robin Hood.
4. Murphy Brown.
5. The Conners, especially after Roseanne’s verbal gaffes.
6. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (but to be fair, it did monster business at the box office).
7. Anything that has to Star Trek and Star Wars (because outer space is such a big place, lets get some new spacemen and aliens, huh?}
8. Lost in Space (no remake could do any sort of justice, in my humble opinion, TV’s greatest as well the most campiest science fiction series ever made).
And finally, in a year of President Trump’s endless boo-boos (even not saying the Apostles’ Creed during the George H.W. Bush memorial service created a crap storm on Twitter), an ugly Supreme Court nomination, the passing of Burt Reynolds and Aretha Franklin, cities acting like two-bit whores to get Amazon’s new headquarters, and the cancellation of the Jerry Springer Show (daytime TV will never be the same without Springer’s cavalcade of trailer trash freaks, transsexuals, pimps, porn stars, lesbian strippers, mothers who sleep with their daughters’ boyfriends and girlfriends, and hysterical crowds screaming “Jerry! Jerry”), there were some happy moments from 2018:
1. Justify winning the Triple Crown.
2. Sister Jean cheering on her beloved Loyola Ramblers.
3. No monster tornadoes in the United States.
4. Todd the golden retriever who saved his owner from being bitten by a rattlesnake.
5. Cheap gas, low unemployment, and hash browns at Waffle House.
Happy New Year!
Joe’s Maybe Memorable Quote of the Day
Why do we sing about Auld Lang Syne on December 31 when we don’t know what it means?