Place Your Bets! 2019 Kentucky Derby
The sound of a bugle, the garland of roses, the chirps of cardinals, the smell of fresh manure and even fresher bourbon, the bacchanalian antics of drunk partygoers, the curses of thousands of broken down gamblers betting their last two dollars on two-bit colts limping off to the glue factory–it’s Kentucky Derby time!
One question I have heard frequently during the past couple of weeks is, “Who do you like in the Derby?”
Most of the time, I have no clue in the world. The Derby is the one race of the year when drawing a name out of a hat is probably a more effective way of picking a winner than getting a hot tip from a jockey or pulling an all-nighter studying the Daily Racing Form.
Nonetheless, I have created a system in which I don’t consider past performances, track conditions, and the dosage index to determine which horse will be at the winner’s circle. Instead, I have divided the field into various categories that have definitely not been thought out by sharp talking bookies and know-it-all know-nothing racing handicappers. Both novice and expert horse racing fans are encouraged to use my system because I want everybody to win:
Ancient History Horse: Tacitus.
Bad Luck Horses or Don’t Bother Betting on These Thoroughbreds: Omaha Beach and Haikal (neither will be racing in the Derby).
Horse for the Saturday Night Live Crowd: Cutting Humor.
Horse That Sounds Like a TV Sequel: Spinoff.
Horse That Sounds Like a Gentleman: Code of Honor.
Horse That Sounds Like He’s Struggling to Keep on a Diet or Not to Have Nookie With the Fillies: War of Will.
Horse That Like Jane Fonda During the 1980s or a Porn Star on Steroids: Bodexpress. (It’s also D-Day for Bodexpress now that that the perfect D-Day horse, Omaha Beach, has been scratched).
Horse That Takes No BS–Actually, HS: By My Standards.
Houdini’s Horse: Gray Magician.
My, My, You’re Really Confident Horses: Game Winner and Win Win Win.
My, My, You’re Really a Demure Horse: Improbable.
Possible Trailer Park Horse: Country House.
San Quentin’s Horse: Maximum Security.
Sexiest Sounding Horse: Plus Que Parfait.
Sports Car Horse: Roadster.
Strangest Sounding Horses: Vekoma and Long Range Toddy.
Three Musketeers’ Horse: Master Fencer.
Too Bad the Derby Isn’t Run on April 15 Horse: Tax.
I have almost forgotten to mention there is another system I use to pick a Derby winner. The moment the first nag crosses the finish line, I scream, “Yes! That’s my horse.” True, this may be devious, but good horseplayers have a couple of dirty tricks up their sleeves whenever they make their bets.
Joe’s Maybe Memorable Quote of the Day
You need a lot of good horse sense to play the ponies.