What I am Not Thankful for During Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is only a week and a half away. Rather than recounting the history of the first Thanksgiving or writing one of those “we have a lot to be thankful” posts, I am going to describe a few things I am not thankful for during the turkey holiday:
Black Friday. A pseudo-holiday celebrating perhaps the great American vice–greed. It proves that when it comes to retailing, there are millions of suckers born every minute.
Retail stores open on Thanksgiving. Can’t one holiday of the year be sacred rather than another shopping day? Thanksgiving is a time for being with family members around a table, not hanging out at “Wally World” (Walmart) to buy some electronic gizmo that will be obsolescent within a couple of years.
Green bean casseroles. Certainly, green been casseroles taste better than watery imitation gruel or last year’s holiday fruitcake. But it looks something that comes out of your intestines after an enema. When you are chowing down slices of mouth watering turkey, the last thing you want to look at is a dollop of green bean casserole.
Sweet potatoes and marshmallows. Like green bean casseroles, sweet potatoes and marshmallows look like something that comes of your intestines after an enema. Ugh.
Dallas Cowboys football. Every years, the Cowboys are on television on Thanksgiving Day. And every year, I get indigestion because I don’t like–actually, I utterly loathe–the ‘Boys, the blue star helmets, the “America’s Team” mania, and the fairest of fair weather Cowboy fans. Even the Cowboy cheerleaders don’t turn me on because they look more burlesque queens than wholesome girls waving pompoms and chanting, “We’re Number One!”. If I don’t see the Cowboys on the boob tube during my Thanksgiving dinner for a decade or two, I will be happier than Myles Standish after he had his first piece of pumpkin pie.
Long drives to family get-togethers. This is the time of the year when it gets dark early. Since my family get-together takes place in central Indiana, I have to drive hours in the dark. Not only do I have my neck fricasseed from the halogen lights of tailgating pickup drivers, I usually get lost in a tank town or two during the middle of the night. Sometimes, I wish the Fourth of July rather than Thanksgiving would be the family get-together holiday because I could home before dark to watch the fireworks.
A lack of Thanksgiving tunes. With the possible exceptions of “Over the River and Through the Woods”, “She’ll Be Comin’ Round the Mountain”, or a religious hymn like “Now Thank We All Our God”, Thanksgiving is really not a time for songs. But at least nobody sings cheesy carols like “Have a Holly, Jolly T-Day”, “Rocking Around the Thanksgiving Table”, or “Grandma Got Run Over by a Turkey”, so we can be thankful for that.
Politics. Sooner or later during the Thanksgiving dinner, people usually will discuss that nasty subject. While watching people debate politics might be fine during Election Day or at the neighborhood watering hole, it is usually nauseating during the Thanksgiving meal. Thanksgiving should be like Christmas–a time of peace on earth, good will towards all–rather than a embarrassing spectacle in which people run off crying because their ultra-jerky relatives called them communists, socialists, fascists, racists, sexists, homophobes, Nazis, snowflakes, or the seven words you can’t say on network television.
Overeating. Let’s face it, Thanksgiving is not a day of gratitude but rather a celebration of another great American vice–gluttony. And at the end of the day, many people will be reaching for the Maalox or kneeling before their porcelain thrones. Worse, you can wreak havoc on your wardrobe because you asked for seconds or thirds or fourths during the T-Day feast. In Star Trek, the Borg said, “Resistance is futile”. And this is especially true when you try to resist your appetite during Thanksgiving.
Even though it would inappropriate if I didn’t give thanks this time of the year, I’m not thankful for everything during the Thanksgiving holiday.
Joe’s Maybe Memorable Quote of the Day
Going on a diet during Thanksgiving is like abstaining from gambling at Las Vegas.