Last Post of the Year: The 2019 Annual Joeys
I created the Joeys in 2011 to present awards in categories not normally seen in the “best of” lists in newspapers and magazines. There are no monetary compensation, medals, or statues associated with the Joeys–just the pride of doing something memorable or stupid or just plain weird during the past twelve months.
And so, without further ado, here are the winners of the 2019 Joeys:
Unquestionably, 2019 was another stupendous year for dummkopfs. But there was one dummkopf who once again outshone and outshone again the other mental little people (midget is now a politically incorrect word). You know who he is. He is the guy who has a bad hairdo, bombastic tweets, and occupies the highest office in the land. He can’t even speak to the Boy Scouts or a group of Native American World War II heroes without creating a national furor. And now he has been marked with a dreaded letter like Hester Prynne from The Scarlet Letter (though it’s an I for impeachment rather than an A for adultery). Without further ado, the winner of the annual Dummkopf of Dummkopfs is:
President Donald Trump. Even though he wasn’t Time’s Person of the Year, he defended his Dummkopf of the Year title with flying colors.
Runner-up Dummkopfs of the Year:
1. The U.S. Senate.
2. The U.S. House of Representatives.
3. Prince “Randy Andy” Andrew (he has been having trouble in the royal boudoir since the days of Koo Stark).
4. Talking heads on Fox, MSNBC, CNN, ESPN, and even the Hallmark Channel.
5. Beto O’Rouke.
6. Former Kentucky governor Matt Bevin.
7. Donald Trump Jr. (a sterling example of like father, like son).
8. Robert Mueller.
9. Guru turned presidential candidate Marianne Williamson (yet oddly enough, I kind of like her–she has kind of a 1970s New Agey charm, and she doesn’t blather the usual political doublespeak and BS).
The Worst Sports Teams of 2019 (Buckeye State/Wolverine State/Politically Incorrect Division)
1. Cincinnati Bungles (formerly known as the Bengals).
2. Akron Zips football team (the Zips won zip in 2019).
3. Cleveland Brownies (somehow, a worst sports teams division wouldn’t be complete without the Brownies. And by Johnny Manziel, they lost to the Bungles several days ago).
4. Detroit Baseball Pussycats (Tigers).
5. Detroit Football Pussycats (Lions).
6. Washington Team With the Ultimate Politically Incorrect Nickname (Redskins).
7. Golden State Team With a Somewhat Politically Incorrect Nickname since Labor Day (Warriors. My, how quickly has this team has fallen).
8. Cleveland Team That Misses the Whore of Akron (since LeBron James went to La-La Land, the Cavaliers have played like the Major League Cleveland Team With a Very Politically Incorrect Nickname [Indians]–i.e., s**t).
9. Cincinnati Team’s Nickname That Was Politically Incorrect During the 1950s (Reds).
10. Atlanta Team With a Somewhat Politically Incorrect Nickname (Braves) during the National League Playoffs.
The Worst Sports Teams of 2019 (Mickey Mouse Teams in the Mickey Mouse State/Gotham City Mickey Mouse Teams/Mickey Mouse Teams in Other Parts of the Country Division)
1. Cincinnati Bungles (the Bungles were so bad, they more than deserved to be in two Worst Sports Team divisions).
2. Baltimore Oh No Orioles.
3. Florida/Miami Less Than Flying Fish (Marlins).
4. Miami Flipper Floppers (Dolphins).
5. New York Snickerdoodles (Knicks).
6. New York Little Giants.
7. New York Grounded Jets.
8. Arizona Cardinal Sins (this team always seem to play like a first year expansion team).
9. Jacksonville Jagoffs (like the Cardinal Sins, the Jagoffs always seem to play like a first year expansion team).
10. Dallas Cow Bleeps (heh, heh, couldn’t happen to a nicer team).
Dishonorable mention: Atlanta Doves (they don’t play like Hawks), New Orleans Pelican’ts, Minnesota Timberpuffs (Timberwolves), Elvis City Teddy Bears (Memphis So-called Grizzlies), San Diego/Los Angeles Chargeless Chargers, Pittsburgh Walk the Plank Pirates (where have you gone, Willie Stargell, Pie Traynor, Honus Wagner, and even Mario Mendoza Line?), San Diego Pods (Padres), Carolina Panting Panthers, and the Kansas City Royal Bastards.
The “Holy Miracle, Batman!” Sports Teams of 2019
1. Washington Nationals.
2. Virginia Cavaliers (for once, the Cavs didn’t lose to such college basketball juggernauts as Chaminade and Maryland–Baltimore County).
3. Los Angeles Clippers.
4. Denver Nuggets.
5. Chicago Cubs (actually, the Cubs weren’t great but because they didn’t end up in a Worst Sports Team division, that’s a miracle).
The “Buzzwords” of 2019
2. Climate change.
3. Okay, boomer.
5. Drag Queen Story Time Hour.
6. The Squad.
7. Government shutdown.
9. Pedophile Island.
10. Virtue signaling.
The “Whatever Happened To” People of 2019
1. Roseanne Barr.
2. “Papa John” Schnattner.
3. Emma Gonzalez.
4. Paul Ryan.
5. Chicago Bears quarterback Mitchell Trubisky (gee, he’s now following in the footsteps of Jay Cutler, Rex Grossman, Cade McNown, “Bambi” Doug Flutie, “Interception Mike” Tomczak, Rusty “Worst Player in NFL History” Lisch, Mike “the Phantom” Phipps, “Slow Mo” Bob Avellini, and countless other ham-and-egger Milquetoasts of the Midway QBs).
6. Harvey Weinstein.
7. Jerry Springer (daytime TV is just not the same without Jerry! Jerry!).
8. Former UCLA basketball coach Steve Alford.
9. Beto O’Rouke (yeah, yeah, I know I am picking on poor Beto, but he was supposed to be the next John, Bobby, or Ted Kennedy).
10. Chicago Cubs ex-manager Joe Maddon.
Wild Food Events of 2019
1. Popeye’s chicken sandwich.
2. Nashville hot chicken.
3. Impossible meat Whoppers.
4. Impossible meat Sliders (I tasted a few of those at White Castle, and they impossibly taste better than the regular sliders).
5. Beyond Meat burgers.
6. People storming in like Vikings at the grand opening of a White Castle in Scottsdale, Arizona.
7. Keto (not to be confused with Kato Kaelin or the Bruce Lee character on Green Hornet).
8. Vegan cuisine.
The “Baby, I Don’t Care” Stories of 2019
1. Baby Archie and pretty much every other Brit royal except for Prince Randy Andy’s sexploits.
2. The Peloton commercial.
3. Miss America contestants trying to act like Bill Nye the Science Guy or Mr. Wizard from the 1950s (please, please bring back the swimsuits and the evening gowns).
4. Masked Singer contestants.
5. Anything about the Kardashians.
6. Anything about the Jenners.
7. Women’s soccer (the ultimate Luppie sport–like pretty much the rest of the unenlightened male chauvinist pig world, I prefer the men’s version).
8. Anything about Kanye West.
9. Anything about stripper turn rapper Cardi B.
10. Game of Thrones.
And Finally, Even Though the Stock Market Is Red Hot, Jobs Are Being Created Out of the Wazoo, and Another Star Wars sequel Is in the Movie Theaters, 2019 Was Definitely Not a Happy Year for:
1. President Trump, of course.
2. Mad magazine.
3. Fans of the Victoria Secret show (crimminy, the holidays weren’t just the same without beautiful ladies parading around a stage in naughty nighties and undies).
4. Fans of the musical Cats (the film version was a bigger stinker than a kitty litter box).
5. New England Patriots haters (once again, the Pats made the playoffs).
6. People who should had ran for Grand Poobah of the Water Buffaloes or the Water Closet rather than Grand Poobah of the United States (Beto, “Never Mind the Bollocks” Steve Bullock, Bill de Blasio, Kristen Gilliard, Mike Gravel, Kamala Harris, Beto, John Hickenlooper [sounds like a poultry farmer or a KFC chef], Jay Inslee, Wayne Messam, Seth Moulton, Richard Ojeda, Tim Ryan, Joe Sestak, Eric Swalwell, the Mysterians, the Three Stooges, and a partridge in a pear tree).
7. Horse racing.
8. Oakland Afraider–er, Raider–fans (next year, the Afraiders will be playing in Las Vegas with Wayne Newton–my, my).
9. Sears (but this company hasn’t had a happy year in ages).
10. Politics (as usual, the cesspool of professions).
Happy New Year!
Joe’s Maybe Memorable Quote of the Day
A new year is like a new fart–you just hope it will not stink too badly.