Ordinary Joe and the Vice-Presidency

Posted by OrdinaryJoe - August 16, 2020 - Features, Politics - No Comments

Oh, no, I’m not Joe Biden’s vice-presidential pick. Since Mike Pence isn’t going anywhere, I won’t be President Trump’s veep, either. Heck, even Kayne West probably wouldn’t consider me to his second banana.

During the last presidential campaign, I gave out my reasons why I would be an ideal vice-presidential nominee:

Several times in this blog, I have asserted that I have no intentions of running for public office. However, the one political job I might seriously consider is vice president of the United States. First of all, according to Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s first vice president, “Cactus Jack” Nance Garner, the second highest job in the land is not worth a bucket of warm spit.

This may be true, but I still get a nice office in Washington, D.C., with a platoon of aides, secretaries, interns, flunkies, and other hangers-on. And I get to attend Cabinet meetings and pretend to pay attention when the president drones about taxes, inflation, civil rights, the infield fly rule, and foreign policy crises in Antarctica.

One thing I have noticed about vice presidents is they do a lot of traveling abroad. I gladly will take junket after junket to Burkina Faso, Andorra, Papua New Guinea, Sao Tome and Principe, Belarus, Curacao, Montenegro, Azerbaijan, and other countries no one can locate on a map except for geography whizzes and Jeopardy! champions. It is great being able to visit dozens of countries and staying in the finest hotels totally on the taxpayers’ dime.

Being a reasonably bright guy, I certainly would have no trouble mentally handling the challenges of the job because vice presidents by and large are not card carrying members of the Mensa society. Dan Quayle was such a mental giant he could not spell a first grade word like “potato” correctly.

I remember watching Matt Drudge’s TV show more than a decade ago when Bill Clinton gave a “you @*%$! moron” glare after Al Gore couldn’t recognize a bust of Benjamin Franklin. One of Joe Biden’s great accomplishments as a politician was plagiarizing speeches. And even though she did not get elected, one can not forget Sarah Palin and her constant intellectual gaffes during the 2008 election. She was arguably the first politician in history who wasn’t as smart as a bucket of warm spit.

To give some meaningful work to do besides shuffling papers and fetching coffee for the Secretary of Agriculture, the president will probably assign me to make speeches at an endless number of grade schools. I can make “stay in school and don’t take drugs or drive on the interstate during Texas-sized blizzards” lectures in my sleep. And unlike Dan Quayle, I can spell “potato” as well as other more complicated words like “lumbago” and even “Winnebago”.

I will be different than other vice presidents in that if the president should unexpectedly die in office, I will immediately quit politics.  I personally do not want to live in a country where I am the chief executive. I know it will immediately become the most mixed-up place in the universe.

One drawback of being vice president is that I will probably not be remembered as a great historical figure. Even Ph.D.s in history would probably have trouble recognizing the names of such luminous vice presidents as Daniel D. Tompkins, William R. King, Henry Wilson, Wayne Wheeler, Levi Morton, Garret Hobart, James S. Sherman, and Charles Dawes. And then there are other would-be commanders-in-chief like Spiro Agnew who is primarily remembered today not for being a terrific right-hand man but for bribery, tax evasion, and the phrase “nattering nabobs of negativism.”

I know the Republicans and Democrats will never seriously consider me as a vice presidential candidate because I have no political experience and I will probably endorse the Green or Libertarian Party candidate for president the moment I hit the campaign trail. However, there are many little-bitty political parties out there needing a warm body as a vice presidential candidate. If these parties have a somewhat realistic shot of winning the White House or even an outhouse in Backwoodsville, Tenn., I  might seriously consider throwing my hat into the ring if they think I would make an ideal veep.

I still am interested in being vice-president. After all, it is sometimes good to be the second banana.

Joe’s Maybe Memorable Quote of the Day

The pursuit of being vice-president is no vice.

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