Place Your Bets! 2020 Kentucky Derby

Posted by OrdinaryJoe - September 4, 2020 - Features, Sports - No Comments

It’s Kentucky Derby time!

However, this year’s Debry will most likely not be, in the words of Hunter S. Thompson, decadent and depraved. Not only it is being held on the first Saturday in September, it is being run before no fans. That means no mint julep tailgates, no D-list Hollywood celebrities, no appearances of obscure kings as well as queens and princes enjoying the Sport of Kings, no bacchanalian antics of drunk partygoers in the infield, no bacchanalian antics of drunk party goers, and no curses of thousands of broken down gamblers betting their last dollars on two-bit colts. There will probably more horseplay at a kindergarten recess than at the Derby.

One question I have heard frequently during the past couple of weeks is, “Who do you like in the Derby?”

Most of the time, I have no clue in the world. The Derby is the one race of the year when drawing a name out of a hat is probably a more effective way of picking a winner than getting a hot tip from a jockey or pulling an all-nighter studying the Daily Racing Form.

Nonetheless, I have created a system in which I don’t consider past performances, track conditions, and the dosage index to determine which horse will be at the winner’s circle. Instead, I have divided the field into various categories that have definitely not been thought out by sharp talking bookies and know-it-all know-nothing racing handicappers. Both novice and expert horse racing fans are encouraged to use my system because I want everybody to win:

Angry tennis playing horse: Storm the Court.
Big shot bureaucratic horse: Major Fed.
Boastful longshots: Mr. Big News and Winning Impression.
Don’t bet on the king: King Guillermo (he won’t be running in the Derby).
Gotham City horse: NY Traffic.
Hoosier horse: South Bend.
Italian horse: Sole Volante.
Maybe this horse is the real deal: Authentic.
Respectful horse: Honor A.P.
Supreme Court horses: Enforceable and Tiz the Law.
Wall Street horses: Attachment Rate and Money Moves.
You talk too much horse: Thousand Words.
A real stud horse: Max Player.
A horse for lovers or a equine guest on a chintzy reality TV show: Necker Island.

I have almost forgotten to mention there is another system I use to pick a Derby winner. The moment the first nag crosses the finish line, I scream, “Yes! That’s my horse.” True, this may be devious, but good horseplayers have a couple of dirty tricks up their sleeves whenever they make their bets.

Joe’s Maybe Memorable Quote of the Day

Don’t play the horses because sooner or later you will be played.

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