Place Your Bets! 2021 Kentucky Derby
The sound of a bugle, the garland of roses, the chirps of cardinals, the smell of fresh manure and even fresher bourbon, the bacchanalian antics of drunk partygoers, the curses of thousands of broken down gamblers betting their last two dollars on two-bit colts limping off to the glue factory–it’s Kentucky Derby time!
One question I have heard frequently during the past couple of weeks is, “Who do you like in the Derby?”
Most of the time, I have no clue in the world. The Derby is the one race of the year when drawing a name out of a hat is probably a more effective way of picking a winner than getting a hot tip from a jockey or pulling an all-nighter studying the Daily Racing Form.
Nonetheless, I have created a system in which I don’t consider past performances, track conditions, and the dosage index to determine which horse will be at the winner’s circle. Instead, I have divided the field into various categories that have definitely not been thought out by sharp talking bookies and know-it-all know-nothing racing handicappers. Both novice and expert horse racing fans are encouraged to use my system because I want everybody to win:
A Horse that Wants You to Make Longshot Bets: Keepmeinmind.
An Exotic Sounding Horse for Exotic Longshot Bets: Mandaloun.
Amazon Horse: O Besos (however, Mr. Amazon spells his last name Bezos).
Duke of Flatbush (Duke Snider), the Lords of Flatbush (a movie about the 1950s featuring Sylvester “Rocky/Rambo” Stallone and Henry “Fonzie” Winkler), and Ralph Kramden’s Horse: Brooklyn Strong.
Elvis Having a Hissy Fit Horse: King Fury.
Elvis Impersonator Horse: Like the King.
Go Getter Horses: Dynamic One and Highly Motivated.
Happy Hour Horses: Bourbonic, Medina Spirit, and Midnight Bourbon.
Holy Eligius*, Batman Horse: Sainthood.
Let’s See if the Derby Favorite Has the Right Stuff Horse: Essential Quality.
Macy Day Parade Horse: Helium.
Men Who Put Their Playboys in Between Their Mattresses Horse: Hidden Stash.
MTV Back in the Days When It Only Played Music Videos Horse. Also, a Horse for Groupies: Rock Your World.
One Hungry Horse: Soup and Sandwich.
Shouldn’t He Be Racing at the Indianapolis 500 Horse: Hot Rod Charlie.
Wall Street Horse: Super Stock.
You Already Know How This Horse Is Going to Run in the Derby: Known Agenda.
*Eligius is the patron saint of horses and horse riders.
I have almost forgotten to mention there is another system I use to pick a Derby winner. The moment the first nag crosses the finish line, I scream, “Yes! That’s my horse.” True, this may be devious, but good horseplayers have a couple of dirty tricks up their sleeves whenever they make their bets.
Joe’s Maybe Memorable Quote of the Day
There is no thing as a sure bet but a bettor making a bad bet is a sure thing.